N.M.

So, before I get to the more emotionally driven stuff I just wanna say something. I know what you’d think upon reading this, that it’s a bit dramz and “a bit much” but I can’t help it. When I’m feeling any emotion strongly I tend to think in quite descriptive and dramatic ways. Life is pretty good in general right now, my parents and I have a better relationship than ever now that we’re not under each other’s feet all the time so when we visit it just feels really good to catch up and enjoy the company. Job’s okay, though I’m beginning to feel like I need to get out. I love having my own place, it’s amazing, and now that the late shift is no longer a thing, I can get into a routine and do more of the things I wanted to as well as shift that grumpiness I had surrounding the late shift.

Also, I know it’s extremely unlikely you’ll ever read this since I don’t think you know of this website currently and may not ever find the link in any of my available profiles, but here we go…

You left over 6 months ago, 5th June 2015. I remember it so well. It’s been a hugely difficult 6 months, most of all for you having to bear the brunt of all my mood swings, from being okay and supportive and loving, to being angry, lonely and despairing. I know it may seem dramatic, but honestly, you are so centred in my mind and life. I love you more than I ever could have imagined, the feeling was almost overwhelming and was the most incredible thing I’ve experienced. It still is. I think about you every day, from the moment I wake right up until I get into bed and go to sleep. But now, after 6 months, there’s another date that won’t be leaving my mind anytime soon, 7th December 2015. It was an emotional day, I heard the best thing in the 6 months that you left, that you still loved me, and that you had considered coming back on occasion but, due to your circumstance, you were unable to make that decision. I understand. I do. And I don’t feel angry or bitter that you do. Just sad. Just upset that two people so in love and so compatible have to be apart. As stupid as it is, I have to wait. I have to see if you come back. I can’t, just can’t let go of you because you are so perfect, so amazing, so beautiful.

But I also said goodbye to you. I feel that I’m just bringing you pain and grief, something which will prevent you from doing what you need to do and being successful in it. It’s killing me. I can’t stand it. It’s like losing you all over again. Knowing I’ll never see you again, or hold you again or even hear your voice or witness your smile. Nothing. None of it. The woman I love, want a future with, want to devote myself to and spend my time making happy. You’re gone. More than likely for good. Just know that I love you, and miss you. Today was difficult for me, more so than other days.

 

I can’t take it. I can’t fucking take it. It’s like I’m out of breath every time I think of you, my thoughts racing to meet completion before it’s too late, before you’ve slipped away completely, to connect with you through will and energy before the channel’s closed. It’s as though the wellness of my body is being drawn away, into the heart, to soften the damage, my body numb to all else, my heart aching and straining under the weight, my mind frantically trying to piece all of it together lest the grief bubbling below detonate and send everything into meltdown. I don’t know what to do. What to do next? It’s not like life stops and my little pleasures are still there, I still smile and laugh and do my best to think positively about my current situation and future. I’m doing so well with my depression these days. But losing you is something I don’t know how to cope with, or if I can cope with it. I can’t move on and I don’t want to. Move on from the perfect woman that I’m in love with to what? I’m happier on my own than with someone that’s not you. And that’s how it will stay until something drastic changes.

 

Like you coming back to me.

 

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